Category Archives: Depression


Eesh, so like I was supposed to do this a few days ago, but I got caught up with the holiday craziness and literally burned myself out. I’m okay now though.

So round one of the holidays was nice. Good food, some time with the folks, a pimped-out home (very early this time around)…yeah, all was good with the world.

But, I’m still not looking forward to round two. In fact, I might have to get wrinkle cream for all the stress I can sense. This is the time when seasonal depression decides to kick in. It’s much worse than the other few months (longer days and the like), and if you’ve known me long enough, you know that it can get pretty bad without it being winter.

This is the time where it’s hardest to keep sane.

But it’s not all bad. I mean, there’s good food, hanging with family, yelling at family (jokingly 95% of the time of course), and of course presents. In order for me to enjoy it all though, I’m gonna need a tall glass of vodka and Pepsi.

Or some chocolate.


They’re not lying. Depression is a serious appetite suppressant.

It’s weird. Some days I’m fine, then there are others where I know I’m not okay, but I hide it very well from almost[1. My bf sees right through the charade.] everyone. On those days, people will ask “what’s wrong?” and I’ll say “nothing”. Deep down though, I’d like to just break down.

Then there’s the appetite suppressing I’m talking about. Doesn’t happen often, but sometimes I would have no appetite. Then another time, I have absolutely insatiable hunger, where it’s like no matter how much I eat I am not satisfied. That annoys the hell out of me.

So…I’m okay…not really, but I’ll be all right. I hope you guys are all right too.

Short and Sweet

Why, you ask? I feel like shitoka, that’s why. I’m frustrated. I’m lonely. I’m stressed. I have the world’s biggest headache because of it all. It also didn’t help to see that I have friends happy in relationships and I’m always gazing out the window wishing. Think missing puzzle piece. And it’s getting to me. Granted, at least I can talk to the writer now. But this is one of them days where I feel like if I disappeared one day, no one would notice, especially the opposite sex.

Please excuse the morbidness of this entry. I don’t mean it to be. I can only hope that it’s better tomorrow. I want a hug though. I just need to be held now.

…And there’s no one around to do it.

A (maybe) forced hiatus

Ugh, I hate that word. But it had to be done.

The site will be open, but there won’t be any more blog updates until maybe right before Christmas. So that’s about a week and a half.

Why, dare you ask? In the last entry, I said I was pretty miserable, and while it got a little better, I’m still not there yet. When I’m depressed, I tend to take on more projects. So I have a new web project in the works. By the way, I haven’t finished with the layout revamping here, and I have hacks and themes to add on P739. But yet…I add another project to the belt, and those two jobs in itself is overwhelming. When I get overwhelmed, I get depressed. I get depressed, I drown out with web projects. It’s a vicious circle, and the only way to break it is to eliminate at least one thing. Sadly, that means I have to eliminate the blogging for awhile until I get caught up, or feel well enough to handle it all.

Please keep in mind that I have no intention of closing this site. It’s sticking around for awhile. But for now, I gotta knock some of it down before I mentally break down–and that is the last thing I need right about now.

Just a couple more things before I leave you. Maybe some people may know about this guy. A small recap: I like him, but my mind is too clouded with dirty thoughts to say shit to him. Two words–he knows. Now I give myself a mental note–never say the phrase “I dare you” around my friends, whether or not I mean it. They will do it.

And some plugwhorage too–if you’re 16 and over, then you’re good to join P739, which I decided to lower the age to 16 to (with a few restrictions). Also, I would pay you $1,000 in Monopoly money to join Ecstasy. Love you guys! See you in a few.

Give your life…like a butterfly.

I’m going to bring back the importance of friendship. I was always the girl to not talk to when I was younger. It wasn’t until high school when I actually had friends. That’s why now, with the circle that I have now, I am not letting go, because you may never know when or if you’re going to run into friends like that again.

I haven’t been too well. Not going to lie–I’ve been downright miserable some days. However, whenever I’m around them (I call them Dysfunctional Spades Players on the site, but we’re called the Rat Pack, due to where we usually hang out as has a sad infestation of rodent and insect proportions), they make me laugh, and I feel better. They’re probably the few who truly make me happy these days, other than my parents. I enjoy their company, and vice versa. I’m bringing this up, because just yesterday, I went to visit them, and I had a carton of crab sticks and fries waiting for me. I didn’t eat all of it; my appetite has been dramatically curbed, which has caused me to lose about 10 pounds so far. But little random acts of kindness like that goes around our little circle. We all don’t expect it, but it happens anyway. That, my friends, is freaking great.

Even online I’m blessed. I’ve known Angel ever since she came out with Silent Confessions (and she doesn’t know it, but I still have that layout she wanted help coding on my hard drive ^-^). I didn’t think she’d be around for as long as she’s been. Then I have two of the old Bolt buddies, Echo and KC. I’ve practically seen Echo grow up from being a sophomore in high school (or was it freshman? I forget), and now she’s in college. And KC? He was and still is the Crib Sweetie.

So any day that I think I have no one, I think of everyone, past and present, who has endured my constant bitching about him. And for that, you guys, I thank you. If I were to become a billionaire tomorrow, I’m going to make sure that you get a piece. Make sure you don’t spend it all in one place. I might need a loaner some day. 😀 Just messing.

In other…less sappy news, my hip is okay. It turns out that it was a pulled muscle from the trauma of the fall. I was worried because after that blog entry, I was in horrible pain. Lifting my left leg to take my shoes off was painful to the nth degree. I’m happy it’s fine now because now I know I won’t need a metal hip for another 60 years, haha.

I’m going to start working on the coding of the layout for here. I know I said I would, but truth is, I’ve been putting it off because coding is a pain in the ass, and it’s not going to be the easiest to code. But I will dammit. Tomorrow most likely, depending on how I feel, and depending on how distracted I’m going to be with wrestling coming on.

Disclaimer for this next piece: I am not a sports fan, other than WWE wrestling, but even that’s more “Young and the Restless” meets professional wrestling. But I know a few Mets fans and I just love messing with them. I also hear about it at least three times a week from said fans, so I know a lot more about baseball than I care to know. So here it is…

*points and laughs at the New York Mets fans* How the hell do they croak after being in first for so long? Damn, that’s terrible! *points and laughs* It’s only happened twice in sports history before today. Oh well, there’s always next year. Make sure the pitcher doesn’t suck monkey nutsacks though! *points and laughs and falls off her bed*

All right, now that I have a good chunk of Queens (or all of NY for that matter) hating my guts now, I bid you adieu. Until next time, love your friends. And if they take your man, then chop your man’s cock off. Good night.