I found out about alli when I was browsing through the Goodbye Blubber Forums and while I had no intentions of ever trying a weight loss pill, I thought I’d check it out anyway to see what kind of bull are they coming up with now. Let me just say that that is exactly what it is–bull.
How does it work?
From their website:
The active ingredient in alli attaches to some of the natural enzymes in the digestive system, preventing them from breaking down about a quarter of the fat you eat. Undigested fat cannot be absorbed and passes through the body naturally. The excess fat is not harmful. In fact, you may recognize it in the toilet as something that looks like the oil on top of a pizza.
It sounds pretty innocent, doesn’t it? I mean, besides the fact that the end was a bit TMI, it’s okay, I guess…but then this follows:
Because of the way in which alli works, eating meals with too much fat may cause side effects known as treatment effects.
Treatment effects? What does that mean, you ask? Well, that is the kicker. Unlike most weight loss pills, alli doesn’t cause jitter, nervousness, or heartbeat irregularities. But, what it does cause may very well be worse than the jitters.
Treatment effects: What are they?
These folks don’t call them side effects, because it only happens when someone eats too much fat. So they call it treatment effects. What is the said treatment effect? Okay, take a look. Make sure you didn’t eat too much yet.
-gas with oily spotting
– loose stools
-more frequent stools that may be hard to control
…O…kay. It’s like this–you take this pill, you best not eat Mc’D’s or you’re going to risk taking a shit on yourself, ruining a perfectly good linen pant, and possibly ruining a perfectly good social life. And even if it doesn’t get to the point where fecal matter actually touches your clothes, you run the risk of having anal leakage. I think I’ll take the skipping heartbeats for $200.
But what really makes this a WTF Moment is the nonchalant and rather crass behavior in the wording on the website as to how to “deal” with such a treatment effect. Way to support your consumers, folks! Here’s one thing:
While no one likes experiencing treatment effects, they might help you think twice about eating questionable fat content. If you think of it like that, alli can act like a security guard for your late-night cravings
Ouch! alli will scare the shit outta you from eating late at night. Please excuse the pun. Do scare tactics work in weight loss? Can someone answer this for me? Here’s another one. Not as bad as this one, but pretty…”holy fuck” in itself:
You may not usually get gassy, but it’s a possibility when you take alli. The bathroom is really the best place to go when that happens
Hm. Well, when you are gassy, you don’t want to be around people. But if you’re gassy, and run the risk of oil running out your ass, yeah…draw the line right there. I wonder though; what if the person is already gassy and their byproduct is not exactly rosy-smelling and they start taking alli? Yeah, remind me not to go to this person’s house for Thanksgiving, m’kay?
This is the best one out of them all. You might laugh so hard you do boo-boo on yourself. Hope you have on…wait, let it speak for itself.
You may feel an urgent need to go to the bathroom. Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it’s probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work
😮 Okay. I’ve heard it and seen it all. Forget about the woman who don’t know how to pick up her feet while wearing flip-flops. Forget the girls who thought that the bus seats were 5-star hotel sofas. This is probably the best freaking WTF Moment I’ve ever done. Good advice to some maybe, but do anyone else feel a tone of rude in this one line? It’s as if they’re expecting you to ruin your clothes. Okay, um…hell no.
My final thought?
See, I am working on losing some weight, and like I said, there was no intention of trying any pills because I’m not too fond of them, and they might even interact with the one I take now. The starter pack for alli is $50.00. This is the starter pack, folks. That makes it even worse. I will take my risk with eating fruits I’m allergic to (which happens to be most of them), and having gallons of dairy (I’m lactose intolerant) before I try this. I’d die before I try this. I wonder if it will last long on the shelves. Probably not, because there will probably be at least one person suing them for millions of dollars for pain and suffering, psychotherapy sessions, and wardrobe damages. I’m waiting for the day. I give it till September.