It was a warm June evening, and Michael just came out of the shower, washing off the dirt, muck, and crime off of his body. He is in the bathroom, with an off-white towel around his waist, shaving off what grew back from his 5 o’ clock shadow. While he’s grooming, he poses in the mirror and says, “Who’s a sexy fiend? Who’s a sexy fiend? Oh, hell yeah.”
In mid-pose, he hears a scream, a large thud, and then a car alarm sounds. “What the hell?”, he mutters, then goes to his window and looks down. To his utter and complete dismay, there is a woman on the top of his car, with three stab wounds to the chest.
He goes downstairs to his now-totalled car and mutters again. Right behind him was a man, about 50, with a thick Russian accent. Michael is a bit perplexed as the man approaches him. Then he becomes a little more perplexed because the man was talking to him, and he purposely dismissed the memo that his boss sent him three months ago about taking more foreign language classes. “What the heck are you saying?!”
The man, who obviously doesn’t understand a lick of English, continues to speak in his native tongue. Michael is frustrated, and then just out of sheer anger, just knocked the man out with a single punch. He looks at what he did. “Ah, dang!” He says. Then he looks at his car and the lifeless female body crushing the roof, and said “Ah, dang!”, and went back into the building.
The next morning, Michael goes to his office to find that his boss, a very vindictive woman who is about 10 years his junior, or at least looks that way, is sitting in his chair.
“I saw it on the news, Mike.”
“Yeah, the car’s a total loss. Thank goodness for Geico.”
“No, I’m talking about the woman on top of it.”
“Oh, her. You know, I was actually considering keeping her as an oversized hood ornament.”
“I don’t need your snide remarks, Mike. Do you realize what went on while you were parading in your drawers and admiring yourself in the mirror?”
“Hey, listen, what did I tell you about staking out in my closet?”
“Would you shut up and listen for a minute?! This has become a murder investigation. It may be something small, or it can very well be the start of something extremely complicated and large.”
“I am aware of that. But what does that have to do with me parading in my drawers and admiring myself in the mirror?”
“You may not think that it’s a big deal to you. But it is, because honestly, you’re the only one who really have any inkling of what happened.”
“Yeah, and I had a guy who spoke very little English put in the hospital for a concussion. I’m failing to see your point.”
“I’ll get to that one later, but Mike, this is really hard for me. You’re working with the CIA. The media gets ahold of you, we’re done. So basically, what I’m telling you is that I’m putting you on a 90-year suspension.”
“There’s a such thing as a 90-year suspension?”
“No, idiot. That’s just a nice way of saying that you’re fired.”
Michael’s eyes widens. “On what grounds?!”
“Like I said, if word gets out that you’re working with the CIA and all you did in this situation is bitch and moan about how your car is totalled and you punched an innocent man, we’re done.”
“He wasn’t innocent.”
“Look, we’ll leave that up to the investigators, but you have to go. Everything you own goes in the box to the left.”
Michael is very upset, but has no choice. He is a witness, and that is not going to go very well anywhere. Furthermore, the way he went about the issue wasn’t the best either. He walks to his desk and starts emptying it out. His boss is walking to the door until Michael stops her.
“Oh, by the way, I found this in the glove compartment.”
He throws a pink thong to her.
You know what? It would be so cool if the pilot episode of Burn Notice started off like this. Or at least had the ending of this story wedged in there somewhere. This usually isn’t my kind of show, but I think I’m going to make it my point of existence to program the time on my phone so I don’t miss it. Why don’t you check it out too? The first episode airs on June 28th at 10pm on the USA Newtwork.